Sunday, 7 October 2007

A little introspection

I've reached a point again where I have run out of words. The happiness, the sadness, the anger... none of it comes out now. It is all there bottled up somewhere inside and I lock and secure the keys every day lest something shows. It is something that I feel I need to do at this point. Put a dam on everyone and everything, hide within. At one level, I don't want to make any doors or windows in that wall. I meant what I said to Dipti today morning - for once I really do want to be like her. To look and not really look. For once I want to keep the promise I made to myself and keep it to the T.

Time to wait life out again... to let things happen... to not let them repeat a third time round... or maybe third time will be lucky... who knows! Life for now is one hell of a vicious circle... I can't express the deja vu enough, can't say it enough times and sometimes I can't believe it myself. The coincidence is too much. Sometimes I think it is because I haven't learnt that particular lesson yet. But then I wonder if I will ever learn it for I am too impatient, in too much of a hurry always and way too restless inside.

This is the first time that I am trying to live like a stranger. I want to but it is so not me. I walked down this path once long time ago, in school. It is as difficult now as it was then. But the thought gives me solace too - If could for three years then I can now too and it is only a question of a few months. It is sad it had to come to this but for once I do say "So be it!!!". I refuse to give even a cent more than I get. Am broke enough as it is and next time may the waves break more softly, more gently and greater fortitude!

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