In a Moment

"Maasoom si haansi, bewajah hi kabhi honton pe khil jaati hai.
Anjaan si khushi, behti hui kabhi, sahil pe mil jaati hai.
Yeh anjaana sa darr, ajnabi hai magar
Khubsoorat hai jee lene de."
__

Each step forward,
Two back.
Happiness, joy, smiles, giggles;
Confusion, nerves, fear;
Fullness and loneliness.

Walks in solitude,
a breath of fresh air,
the mind comes back to its motley mess.

An hour on the ledge, late at night,
peaceful, quiet, still.
The room as restless, as cluttered as I left it.

The wind, dragonflies and over grown grass,
tempting, alluring, hypnotic.
New memories in old places,
replacing another time, another day long past.
New conversations in place of old ones,
new meanings & new words;
but the same skip of beats.

The sun streams in, bands of light,
the air seems clear.
But it only seems.
The clouds are not far away,
altercation between light and shadow,
changing swiftly, seamlessly.

"Standing in motion",
anticipation brings joy,
the wait is itself so beautiful

For the Love of a Nation

15th August and 26th January are two special days for me. Two days ago I celebrated the 60th anniversary of my country's independence. Every year I wonder what makes that patriotic feeling come alive with such intensity for those of us who have not fought the battle for independence.

I was born in free India; just that side of liberalisation. My country has not been invaded and I have lived through one war that for me was fought on television. Most of the things that are commonly associated with patriotism have not even touched me. I could live the way I live here in many other countries of the world.

But still the tricolour makes me glow with pride and the national anthem gives me goosebumps. Is it because I was taught that a feeling called patriotism exists? Not really. I think it has more to do with the fact that I grew up here. And with the values and culture that my country stands represents in my eyes - its beauty, its diversity, its tolerance. There is something that is common to the way every Indian lives despite the apparent differences - this is generations of socialisation and culturisation at work! There is an Indian politics, an "Indian-ness" to how we think and react. It is a country of a billion cricket lovers, almost as many movie lovers. It is the Indian-ness that I celebrate on 15th August and 26th January.

Then I wonder, what differentiates this from the patriotism that makes people from one country hate people from another; that creates wars and makes people fight? Where is the line between celebrating and destroying, creating a Sarajevo, a Rwanda that hardly seems human anymore?

I wonder as an after thought, how I would react if my country was invaded or attacked in earnest? But then it is - almost everyday. With guns, with words, with actions. So where does the hatred come from? What is the nature of their love and the nature of mine? Why is one inclusive and the other exclusive? And most of all what DOES a nation and its independence mean?

PS: There always seem to be more questions than answers in my head!

The Virtue of Selfishness?

Like many other, this post comes out of a chance remark and a short conversation with someone. The person in question told me that he was "selfish" and that that was the greatest virtue. A year ago I would have agreed without qualifying that statement. For I do believe that Selfishness is not only a necessity but also a virtue. But now I see a need to qualify that statement. The need arises because this very person's "selfishness" has hurt not only me but other people as well and so, i question the definition of the term itself and all that it implies.

What is Selfishness?
Is it simply the act of being concerned only with oneself? Essentially, yes. That I believe is the first step towards being selfish. But to leave at that implies several things that I personally construe as negative and undesirable. It means that one is so concerned with oneself that one is willing to step on other's toes, to hurt them, to bring them down to achieve one's own goals. It is this definition that has made a primary concern for one's own welfare a vice.

Selfishness, to me, has to be qualified by a conscious choice to not willfully hurt anyone on the way to one's destination; to not plot to bring someone down to pull oneself up; to be self-contained enough to not use anyone for one's ends but to be able to trade value for value and do things together for mutual benefit.

Should I be concerned with my own needs and desires over everything else? Yes. Should I knowingly hurt others for it? No.

It sounds simplistic and I am not yet satisfied with my answer and I shall continue to look but I cannot deny that I do believe that for me I come before anyone or anything else. And to be that way and yet not hurt others, also I believe, is possible.

The Unimaginable

(Two posts in a day! Congratulations to myself!!!)

Kids. The word only brings a smile to my face. Innocent, playful, cute beyond description and utterly devoid of adult manipulativeness (they do have a large amount of childish manipulativeness though!). I totally adore little kids, love spending time with them and can baby sit and play with them all day! My friend on the other hand pretty much hates them. Especially the ones whom she does not know.

She and I are similar in most ways. The things we cherish are the same as are most of the things and people we abhor. But not so when it comes to kids and babies. And so, like many other times, I wonder why?

And then the quote I put when I began this blog comes to my mind - "What is unique about the 'I' hides itself in exactly what is unimaginable about a person". So, irrespective of how well I know someone, there is something still unimaginable about that person. Something that I cannot quite put my finger on, understand or explain. And conversely, there would be things about me that seem strange or unfathomable to others I would presume.

These things make each of us what we are and keep that enigma and curiosity alive; making me want to discover more - about myself and my friends. It constitutes the journey that we as people make together, understanding more each day but never quite everything. They make for the surprises and the shocks that break the routine and the mundane; that form the memories that we come to cherish and recollect years later.

Lilting, Meaning...

Songs have so much meaning. I haven’t been able to escape this thought all this past week. Each song seems specially written for something in my life – they squeeze a tear, illicit a smile, make me twirl in joy and curl up in contentment. So perfect and so complete is the joy in a simple desire even though it remains unarticulated and unfulfilled. Just the fact that the desire itself exists irrespective of the object!

Echoes from the past reverberate and new music mingles with it painting a different picture from the last time. Music has been so integral to my life here, at MICA. It has been the constant companion – in solitude and in crowds. It has defined the space I call my own, created the cocoon I return to every night.

In the middle of this musical journey, the orchestra rises in a beautiful melody, full, rich and inspiring. I dance to myself and wait, for the first time, in absolute peace – wait for life and love to happen in its own time.